Setting boundaries improves relationships

Simple things like setting boundaries can improve and even save relationships at home and at work.

Boundaries.
They come in all shapes and sizes and show up in different areas of our lives.
We set them physically, emotionally and spiritually. They are established based on our beliefs, experiences and social norms. Operating in a reciprocal way, boundaries affect both incoming and outgoing interactions.
A boundary is anything that indicates a limit. Consider boundaries as the fence between your personal core values and the needs of others. Boundaries are created to mark our tolerance of how others behave towards us.
Almost serving as a measuring spoon in life, they identify our capacity to accept differences. Boundaries serve to protect us.
I recently met with a couple for marital mediation. Marital mediation offers an opportunity for couples who want to stay married to learn about their conflict dynamic. Tools can be applied to all aspects of their relationship. It focuses on the present and future and is intended to be brief and solution-focused.
This couple came from very different backgrounds. She was an only child in a family where she lost her father at a young age. He was the eldest of seven children in an intact family. She had a strained relationship with her mother growing up, and his family system was tight-knit. Knowing that family of origin experiences contribute to how we interpret boundaries, this was pertinent information.
When I began understanding more about how they had learned to get their needs met in their marriage, it was clear they had not established boundaries. Due to her fear of loss, she struggled to say “no thank you.” He interpreted her willingness to go along as “love,” given his family norm was to take care of one another at whatever cost, mimicking a “pack” mentality.
Not communicating effectively through these differences created misunderstanding, which led to conflict in the marriage. His family would show up at their home unannounced and she would reluctantly accommodate that. He would make plans for them with friends and she would go along.

Over time, this took a toll on their marriage. She found herself not feeling considered or understood. He thought he was making her happy by keeping life upbeat and engaged with others. These are some of the differences that show up in relationships when boundaries are not identified and discussed.
It was important to discuss these differences. It was just as important for the two of them to have support in establishing norms for their marriage. They found themselves problem-solving and agreed to create time for just the two of them. They also decided that they would balance that against time with others.
She eventually felt more comfortable saying “no thank you” and he learned what she really needed to feel happy. He was able to share how important time with his family was as a value he held. Together they created structured time each week in which he would let his family members know they were welcome to come by. This met both of their needs in a healthier way and established boundaries they could both tolerate and respect.
Boundaries show up at home and in in the workplace. As couples, we could look at the differences in our parenting styles, how we approach and define intimacy, and money management. As employees, we can see differences showing up in work habits, work product quality and the ability to follow protocols. Conversations relative to the boundaries in each arena become relative to the healthiness of relationships.
There is little difference in coaching parents to be clear on boundaries for their children and coaching employers to be clear on boundaries for their employees. The bottom line is, we all feel more secure when we know what to expect and what the consequences are if we do not meet expectations. The key is identifying the boundaries and having the conversation in order to set up a successful, thriving experience.
Boundaries help us to determine what parts are ours to take on and which parts are not. They increase ownership and minimize blame. We are empowered to make change when we own it.
Boundaries can be shaky or strong, and the soil underneath may be solid or sinking. They can be developed and firm, or fragile and flimsy. Lastly, they require and indicate value, the value of self. When it comes down to it, this is a must for the health and success of any relationship.