Differing messages for women stuck in abusive relationships

Two news stories the same day hinted at the hope – and awful harm – that victims of domestic violence face. The articles revealed that women can chart a course free of punches, gunshot wounds and psychological abuse.
Sadly, one message in Saturday’s Virginian-Pilot also showed that murder can occur. Loved ones, the police and the injured themselves must work to prevent that outcome.
A healthy dose of respect for women would help, too.
I’m talking about every man who reads this. My gender is the main one using fists, feet and firearms to subjugate and destroy. Women are targeted in 90 percent of such cases. One of every three homicides in Virginia is the result of domestic violence.
Neisha Himes, a survivor of domestic abuse, runs a small, local nonprofit called GROW, or Girls Recognizing Our Worth. She uses spoken-word performances to relate her experiences, and she helps others who have suffered the same abuse. Himes sponsored a forum over the weekend about the issue, bringing awareness and resources to the greater community.
The message is you can end the abuse and thrive. The organization’s website spotlights women with local ties who have done just that.
Such inspirational directives must be repeated, again and again. They support people trying to end relationships predicated on violence and fear.
Sadly, that’s what Jequil Holloway faced. The 20-year-old woman died because of it.
The attacker was her boyfriend, Neal Bolden. He’s just 21. A Chesapeake Circuit Court judge sentenced Bolden to 33 years in prison on the second-degree murder conviction, calling his actions “depraved and indifferent.”
In late 2015, Bolden struck Holloway in the face, knocked her down and strangled her. He dumped her body in the trunk of her car and siphoned money from her bank account.

His violence against Holloway wasn’t new: Bolden had assaulted her before and threatened to kill her, according to court records. He pleaded guilty in Norfolk to misdemeanor assault in that incident.
In the murder case, prosecutors said, Bolden told one inmate in Norfolk City Jail that he’d planned to kill Holloway because he thought she was cheating on him.
Think about that: He was a teenager at the time . During that brief lifespan, what in his upbringing, in the messages he gleaned from the media, or in his friendships taught him that murder was acceptable if she was dating somebody else?
Few men hold themselves to the same standard. If cheating in a relationship were punishable by death, many more men than women would be in graves.
What these guys seek is control, not love.
I interviewed a woman who survived a 2014 shooting in Norfolk. The attacker was her estranged husband, the father of their child. Even though she had proof he cheated on her, he didn’t want to let go.
One night, the man sexually assaulted her, shot her twice and then turned the gun on himself, committing suicide. Miraculously, she survived.

Keep trying to get away. Don’t accept living with violence, abuse and degradation.
It could save your life.