How to Eliminate Shame & Improve the Integrity of Your Relationships

It is shame that causes us to disappoint each other so often, to shirk away from restoring ourselves back to a space of integrity when we’ve stepped out of bounds.

Inside so many of us are the memories from childhood when we punished for doing what we wanted in a world with rules that we couldn’t control. We naturally behaved in ways that affected the lives of the people around us that we couldn’t comprehend, because we didn’t understand the level of responsibility that a functional adult life entails. For some of us, this kind of attention is the only expression of “love” we’ve ever known.

For so many of us there is a little shamed child living within us that comes out during times of confrontation, even though our body is of a much older chronological age. We take a few wrong steps and have to come face to face with cause and effect, the nature of consequence again. That’s when shame presents its ugly face.

“You always mess up.” “Nothing you do is ever good enough.” “Everybody hates you.” “Your existence is a burden on others.” “You don’t have the right to be here.”

These are the sound of shame’s voices — the self-concepts that were planted into us by those punitive figures of authority we relied upon.

I believe that it’s always shame that keeps us from stepping up to the plate to face our impact, and doing what we can to make amends and respect those around us in a more informed way.

How many times have you “needed to talk” with someone and they just turned the other way?

How many times did you take that personally, thinking they didn’t care, that they were entitled, that they were aloof and unconscionable?

I had a few experiences this year that made realize that what I would likely find if I investigated what was happening with the person who’s pulled a disappearing act is quite the opposite. On the other end so often is a grown ass person crumbled into the fetal position, barreled over in sobs of self-loathing. Shame and relational trauma are stored in the same center of the brain.

I’ve decided that it’s shame that makes us afraid to share our vulnerability with others and make the effort to live beside them with honor, because we are terrified that the voices in our head will be confirmed as true and we will be punished by someone we love once again.

The catch is that it’s so often someone’s avoidance that makes me respond to them in the negative ways they fear. It’s their avoidance that creates a self-fulfilling prophesy, and leaves others pissed as hell, cleaning up their mess as they get to turn the other way.

What I think most people want to go about this life with others without any glitches, without getting hurt, without having to be in a state of attack and defense, without having to parent adults or manipulate others into respecting us, our stuff, and our space - so we can just enjoy our connections.

But this is a learning process...that we are all children in. And it’s the shame we carry that makes us think we are undeserving of patience and forgiveness from others, that our attempts to make a repair won’t be appreciated and received. It’s shame that makes us sabotage so many of our relationships.

I’ve discovered a cure for shame. And that is to offer that patience and forgiveness to ourselves, so that it doesn’t matter if it comes from others when we make a mistake, but so we aren’t afraid to face them. So we don’t choose to opt out and change the channel when it matters to someone the most. The only way we can do this is if our self-identity is not hanging on another person’s opinions of what we’ve done.

I’ve learned that the people that seem to lack empathy are the ones who haven’t figured out how to give it to themselves. The people who are most disassociated from the ways they impact others are the ones who are the most afraid to face the pain they carry for what’s been done to them over the years.

So be careful of thoughts you think, because you are listening.

Instead of being critical of yourself for all that’s gone wrong and all those times you messed up, be caring and congratulatory instead: for all of the things you’ve attempted, all of the risks you’ve taken in the name of a dream— even if some have failed. Because life is an experiment, a brave one.

I’ve learned that it helps to be curious about your dark side, your selfishness, your love of chaos and drama, the places that hurt and still have more room for growth. I’ve come to revel in the ways all this adds dimensionality to my character (though it may not always get me the results you want). If I can do this, I don’t have to hide from others when it pops out because I have developed strong, emotional (shameless) muscles.

You are not alone in the struggle to be good to one another, but you can still trust that your true nature is goodness. This is what I’ve learned: that the only way to reduce the amount of shame that we carry is to forgive ourselves, and when we do, all of our relationships improve as a result.