save your Relationship

Sometimes, the modern dating and relationship landscape can feel more like navigating a mental minefield than connecting with potential partners.

 changing gender dynamics are “activating a subset of our psychology in an unprecedented way.” There have been major changes in the past few decades, like financially independent women flooding the workplace and academia, as well as shakeups in what a “modern relationship” can or should look like.

In addition to that, over the past decade, we’ve seen even more drastic changes, such as the emergence of an expanded pool of dating “options” generated by easy-to-use apps, and short-term mating patterns ending in trends such as ghosting.

If I’ve seen one trend among the uncoupled or recently coupled, it’s a boatload of anxiety. Perhaps one of my 30-something female interviewees put it best when she said she simply doesn’t trust that her relationships will continue on happy trajectories anymore. “I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop,” she explained.

The reality of modern dating is that it’s a numbers and timing game. You have to meet a potential right person at a good (enough) time for developing the relationship you both want. And then you have to work hard to let go of your baggage from past dating and relationship experiences.

While I do understand the jadedness of daters today, if you’re constantly entering into relationships with the mindset that they’ll fail or your partner will disappoint you, this will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. And you might not even be aware of some of the ways you’re sabotaging yourself from potential happiness. Let’s talk about a few.

Having silly expectations for your partner.

A big component of the dating phase of a relationship is trying to figure out whether or not to keep seeing someone. You can obviously do that any number of ways, and you’re going to have to filter prospects in and out somehow. Sadly, not every way of filtering is an effective way to determine whether or not someone is a good potential partner.

Many daters still use rules and tests (which they often don’t convey to the person they’re seeing) as means to prevent hurt and make dating decisions. It’s “he should call me every day” or “we must see each other three times a week,” instead of “our relationship should feel like it has positive momentum” or “she follows through when she make makes a commitment.” The former is sort of like insisting there is only one way to get from New York to L.A. There isn’t, and you’re limiting yourself unnecessarily. Have standards, but lose the expectations.

Blaming exes’ wrongs on new partners

It’s hard not to carry your baggage around with you when you date. It’s such a fine line, right? If you were mistreated in the past, or missed signs the relationship was wrong for you, you’re going to naturally want to prevent it from happening again. However, it’s also super-important to have perspective on your lifelong relationship timeline; it’s broken up into unique segments, not one long relationship.

Try to walk into every new relationship with a fresh slate and .000 batting average. Believe the good and earmark the bad — but don’t walk away at the first small signs of trouble, such as a canceled date or a minor disagreement. No one is perfect, and I’ve seen so many people become triggered when something goes wrong. You’re wiser because of your past failures, but don’t be owned by them.

Shutting down or withdrawing emotionally.

Sometimes, sabotaging behaviors aren’t as obvious as lashing out or walking away when something goes wrong. Other daters get stuck in the breezy times, and only engage in the relationship during easy times and positive moments. If you’re going out, grabbing dinner, taking a trip, or shopping at Ikea? Cool, you’re in. But when things get hard or difficult, or you’re vulnerable? You’re out.www.lastdon.org