Men build relationships
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DECIDE, a program of Domestic Abuse & Sexual Assault Intervention Services (DASI) is a program for change. It helps men who decide they want to live without controlling behaviors, abuse, or violence in their lives learn to do just that.
DECIDE is an educational intervention program that can help participants understand that they can change. The program can help them work on overcoming the feelings and attitudes that drive controlling and abusive behaviors, and develop respectful ways of interacting and communicating, even when under stress. Participants can learn to resolve conflict without resorting to abuse or violence, and can learn to be a positive role model and better parent to a child.
DECIDE is based on the beliefs that:
º violence and abuse are learned behaviors that can be unlearned;
º domestic violence is a pattern of pressure or force used to maintain power and control in a relationship;
º abuse can be emotional, physical, psychological, sexual, or financial.
º domestic abuse destroys relationships and families;
º domestic abuse harms children's emotional, psychological, and medical well being;
º interpersonal violence is a social problem requiring changes at individual, institutional, and cultural levels.
DECIDE can help an individual who answers "yes" to these kinds of questions:
Do you find the more you try to control things the more things spin out of control?
Has more than one person said you have an anger problem?
Have you insulted your partner by calling her names, or made her feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or afraid?
Have you criticized, made fun of, or shamed a child?
Have you threatened to harm your partner or a child, or the people, pets, or belongings important to them?
Have you ever become physical with your partner or a child when you were angry?
Do you have strong feelings of jealousy and suspicion?
Has your partner or a child ever been afraid of you?
Do you notice yourself repeating behaviors that you witnessed in your home growing up that upset you as a child?
If you treated your co-workers or friends the way you treat your partner or the mother of your children, would you still have friends or a job?
DECIDE consists of a comprehensive assessment, orientation, and 26-week group educational curricula and is funded by the New Jersey Department of Children & Families, Division of Family & Community Partnerships, Office of Domestic Violence Services. The innovative Clean Plate Dinner Club, funded by a Sussex County Chapter 51 Recovery Support grant, provides a weekly opportunity for men in recovery from both substance use and domestic violence to come together at the dinner table and discuss the challenges they face remaining sober and free of abusive behaviors with a specially trained recovery support staff person. Seventy-seven percent of participants in fiscal year 2017 had substance abuse as a co-occurring issue. The program also provides case management and referral services for participants, linking them with community resources to help with needs such as homelessness, unemployment, mental health and medical conditions, and financial problems. In addition, DECIDE staff provides community education programs and in-service trainings for professionals.
While the majority of the 100-plus men in the program each year are court-mandated to DECIDE, there is a growing number of volunteer participants referred by their partners, the clergy, mental health professionals, Division of Child Protection and Permanency (the local child protection agency), friends, and other participants. In fact, six former participants continue to attend long after they completed the program. One said, "When they told me to come to a group of wife beaters I thought I didn't belong. Now at the end, I know I'll keep coming … there aren't many other places to talk to guys honestly about trying to change and do things to improve yourself …"
Since 85 percent of participants are fathers, many of whom have limits placed on their contact with their children, and the rest may one day be fathers or stepparents, responsible fatherhood is a topic visited in almost every group. Many are unaware of normal stages in child development and have unrealistic expectations of their children. Many do not know how to discipline without aggression because that is what they learned growing up. As one participant stated, "I thought I wasn't abusive like my dad because I didn't hit anyone. DECIDE taught me that what I thought was normal, even without hitting, was still abusive."
Change is hard. At some point, for real change to occur, the individual needs to want to change. Sometimes losing or almost losing one's family is enough to make that happen. According to one participant, "Twenty-six weeks ago nothing would have convinced me to even try letting go of control, much less believe it would make everyone, even me, happier. I saw the other guys talk about it and put it into action, and the positive results."www.lastdon.org
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DECIDE, a program of Domestic Abuse & Sexual Assault Intervention Services (DASI) is a program for change. It helps men who decide they want to live without controlling behaviors, abuse, or violence in their lives learn to do just that.
DECIDE is an educational intervention program that can help participants understand that they can change. The program can help them work on overcoming the feelings and attitudes that drive controlling and abusive behaviors, and develop respectful ways of interacting and communicating, even when under stress. Participants can learn to resolve conflict without resorting to abuse or violence, and can learn to be a positive role model and better parent to a child.
DECIDE is based on the beliefs that:
º violence and abuse are learned behaviors that can be unlearned;
º domestic violence is a pattern of pressure or force used to maintain power and control in a relationship;
º abuse can be emotional, physical, psychological, sexual, or financial.
º domestic abuse destroys relationships and families;
º domestic abuse harms children's emotional, psychological, and medical well being;
º interpersonal violence is a social problem requiring changes at individual, institutional, and cultural levels.
DECIDE can help an individual who answers "yes" to these kinds of questions:
Do you find the more you try to control things the more things spin out of control?
Has more than one person said you have an anger problem?
Have you insulted your partner by calling her names, or made her feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or afraid?
Have you criticized, made fun of, or shamed a child?
Have you threatened to harm your partner or a child, or the people, pets, or belongings important to them?
Have you ever become physical with your partner or a child when you were angry?
Do you have strong feelings of jealousy and suspicion?
Has your partner or a child ever been afraid of you?
Do you notice yourself repeating behaviors that you witnessed in your home growing up that upset you as a child?
If you treated your co-workers or friends the way you treat your partner or the mother of your children, would you still have friends or a job?
DECIDE consists of a comprehensive assessment, orientation, and 26-week group educational curricula and is funded by the New Jersey Department of Children & Families, Division of Family & Community Partnerships, Office of Domestic Violence Services. The innovative Clean Plate Dinner Club, funded by a Sussex County Chapter 51 Recovery Support grant, provides a weekly opportunity for men in recovery from both substance use and domestic violence to come together at the dinner table and discuss the challenges they face remaining sober and free of abusive behaviors with a specially trained recovery support staff person. Seventy-seven percent of participants in fiscal year 2017 had substance abuse as a co-occurring issue. The program also provides case management and referral services for participants, linking them with community resources to help with needs such as homelessness, unemployment, mental health and medical conditions, and financial problems. In addition, DECIDE staff provides community education programs and in-service trainings for professionals.
While the majority of the 100-plus men in the program each year are court-mandated to DECIDE, there is a growing number of volunteer participants referred by their partners, the clergy, mental health professionals, Division of Child Protection and Permanency (the local child protection agency), friends, and other participants. In fact, six former participants continue to attend long after they completed the program. One said, "When they told me to come to a group of wife beaters I thought I didn't belong. Now at the end, I know I'll keep coming … there aren't many other places to talk to guys honestly about trying to change and do things to improve yourself …"
Since 85 percent of participants are fathers, many of whom have limits placed on their contact with their children, and the rest may one day be fathers or stepparents, responsible fatherhood is a topic visited in almost every group. Many are unaware of normal stages in child development and have unrealistic expectations of their children. Many do not know how to discipline without aggression because that is what they learned growing up. As one participant stated, "I thought I wasn't abusive like my dad because I didn't hit anyone. DECIDE taught me that what I thought was normal, even without hitting, was still abusive."
Change is hard. At some point, for real change to occur, the individual needs to want to change. Sometimes losing or almost losing one's family is enough to make that happen. According to one participant, "Twenty-six weeks ago nothing would have convinced me to even try letting go of control, much less believe it would make everyone, even me, happier. I saw the other guys talk about it and put it into action, and the positive results."www.lastdon.org
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