Dangerous embrace: When young relationships turn fatal
FEMALES BETWEEN THE AGES OF 16-24 ARE THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED BY AN INTIMATE PARTNER
In December 2011, with a knife pressed to her neck, Daijah Barnes, then 20, buried herself in the pillows of her bed and begged her former boyfriend not to kill her. A cry from their baby, who laid sprawled down by her feet, defused the situation enough to spare her her life and give her time to escape.
Two years later, her abuser found his next victim. Their relationship ended with that partner in a body bag at just 17.
The story is not unique.
About 24 people per minute, or more than 12 million per year, are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner, according to The National Domestic Violence Hotline. About four out of five victims are female.
Females between the ages of 16 and 24 are also three times more likely than the rest of the population to fall victim to violence by an intimate partner according to loveisrespect.org. If a breakup isn't mutual, the chance of that violence turning deadly increases by more than 70 percent directly after the relationship ends.
Just over three weeks ago, the body of 17-year-old Alyssa Taft, of Sodus, was recovered less than 24 hours after police say she was stabbed to death by her 19-year-old ex-boyfriend, David Knight-Hollis.
In 2016, Kelsey Annese and Matthew Hutchinson, both seniors at SUNY Geneseo, were killed in a double-murder suicide, when Annese's ex-boyfriend, Colin Kingston, slayed them both in Annese's off-campus apartment before taking his own life.
In 2012, Alexandra Kogut, an 18-year-old freshman at SUNY Brockport, was beaten to death by her boyfriend, Clayton Whittemore, in her dorm room.
Each fatality is the conclusion of a different story with unique circumstances that led to a final act. In some cases, exhibits of physical violence were present throughout the relationship. In others, seemingly minor signs of emotional turmoil in the weeks following a breakup resulted in a shocking homicide.
Experts say that it's important to understand that symptoms of dating violence extend beyond what many consider to be the obvious signs, and that having more conversations about what dating violence is, and who is susceptible to it, is essential to breaking the stigmas that serve obstacles to prevention.
More: Here is how to help a victim of an abusive relationship
Chris Brady, a clinical social worker in Monroe County schools, said the responsibility to prevent dating violence begins at the societal level, and extends beyond simply creating awareness.
It requires strategic education and conversation, which Brady said should begin as early as pre-K.
"We're seeing more and more stories that focus on the tragedy of the loss," said Brady, who has spent more than two decades working with victims and perpetrators of domestic or dating violence from 4 to 74 years old. "At some point, if you want to make things better, you have to start to talk about the solutions."
Daijah Barnes is a dating violence survivor and victim advocate. She talks about life before, during and after dating violence.Lauren Peace
"People don’t go fall in love with abusive relationships. They fall in love with relationships that are healthy," said Pamela Graham, a prevention education coordinator for Willow Domestic Violence Center in Rochester, an organization that specializes in safety and advocacy for victims of domestic and dating violence in Monroe County, and works to educate communities across central New York.
According to Graham, an important step in combating dangerous relationships is identifying what they look like.
"Nobody sees a dangerous relationship coming," said Graham. "We live in a world that lives in the fallacy that people go looking for these relationships. Everybody always points to low self-esteem. I don’t know any survivor who would say that they knew their relationship was going to become terrible."
Barnes, a dating violence survivor, can attest to that.
At 15 years old, Barnes, now 25, had just landed her first job — and with it, her first love.
"In the beginning it was like a fairy tale," she said. "He’d walk me to my classes, he’d open doors. He was something that I never knew."
But just a few months after their relationship began, Barnes became pregnant, and things began to change.
The building that her then-boyfriend was living in was under construction, and the debris from the work was making her sick, so she decided she'd leave.
When she got up to go, things got physical.
"He said, 'You're not going anywhere,'" said Barnes. "I'd never had somebody choke me before. It didn't seem real. I didn't see it coming. I was shocked and confused."
According to Graham, dating violence is defined by the manipulative techniques of the perpetrator, whose goal is to establish control. It's also what can make it so difficult to identify early on.
"We know that people who are abusive in friendships and relationships choose to be because they weave in the love and goodness with the tension and abuse. Anger management is an offshoot of several mental health issues. It can be medicated, directed, and managed, but with anger management, the abuse and anger is directed at everybody, there is no filter," said Graham. "An abusive relationship is different. It’s 100 percent preventable, and so we know that we have to go upstream with preventative measures, which means starting as early as pre-K.”
Graham, who works with children in 21 school districts across Monroe County, said that relationships fall into three categories: healthy, unhealthy and dangerous.
"Abuse doesn't happen until there's commitment, so when signs of serious commitment start to arise, it might be time to check in. Maybe suddenly they're dressing differently, or they aren't doing what they love. Are they glued to their phone? Electronic leashing and abusive relationships are so intertwined. Through electronics we've given people a new weapon to torture, stalk and manipulate."
"Call attention to it. Say, 'Wow, that's a commitment, is everything going well?' If the answer is yes, then great, but sometimes things are too good to be true. We need to start planting the seeds that it might be OK, but it might not. If it's unhealthy, break up and move on. If it's unsafe, don't worry, I'm here."
Graham said that many times people don't see dating violence coming because they're too busy driving toward their happy ending.
"We can empower someone early on to know that they have a personal right to a healthy relationship, and develop the tools necessary to maintain one. That can be reinforced with continuity and reminders through the school system," she said. "I'm always working with tweens, teens, and college students to create support maps of people they can trust and turn to. It's about being there for one another before things get bad, and hopefully they never do."
Had Barnes had a support system around when she fell victim to that first act of physical violence, she said that she would have likely walked away from the relationship that day. But being 15, pregnant, and feeling alone, she chose to keep the episode to herself and push forward in the relationship that she was in.
"I was pregnant, and I was scared that if I reached out to somebody they wouldn't be accepting," she said. "I told myself that it wouldn't happen again."
But it did.
- Look for signs of the abuser controlling information: phone use, conversations and friendships.
- Remember that parents are often the last to know
- If your child or a friend/loved one is experiencing dating violence, make sure they know you are a resource
- Abusers gain power and control through making threats
- Maintaining private communication is key
- Offer options, don’t give advice
- Provide consistent opportunities for loved ones to ask for help
- Assess the level of risk before taking action
- Have a safety plan in place
In the beginning, Barnes felt lucky to be in the relationship that she was in. She now knows how lucky she was to have made it out alive.
To say that she thought about escaping it frequently throughout the course of the five years she spent with her abuser is an understatement, but each time she pondered the idea of leaving, she was unable to follow through.
"After the choking, it was small incidents. One day he brought a gun home, and I called the police. The phone was under my leg," said Barnes. "I thought that was the last straw, but then I got pregnant again, and I ended up staying."
Her breaking point ended up coming two years later, when her abuser came home to the apartment that they shared.
"He was upset," she said. "The energy would just switch."
Barnes said she thought that his goal was to simply intimidate her. But the situation escalated when she rejected his attempts at intimacy, and he pulled out a pocket knife and began walking toward her.
"He preyed on fear," said Barnes. "I was like 'Hmm,' because he just pulled out a pocket knife. Where does this go? I was thinking if he swings, just swing without cease. You die fighting."
Thankfully, nobody died that night in Barnes' apartment, and the next morning she packed a garbage bag with three outfits and left for work, where she filed a police report. She later checked in to Willow Domestic Violence Center, where she found the help that she needed.
Now, she said, she is using her story to help spark conversations so that others might learn from her experience. People can contact Barnes at ScaredInLove on Facebook where she posts motivational messages and shares positive messages to give others hope.
"You don't get past something like this, but for me, sharing my knowledge and experiences, and creating awareness about the importance of self-love is my therapy," said Barnes. "I can say here's what I went through, but you don't have to."
When the signs come late
Unlike Barnes' story, where signs of abuse were present during the relationship, the story of Kelsey Annese, or at least what is known of it, was seemingly different.
While Barnes had feared for her life at points throughout her relationship, friends of Annese said the more than three years that she spent dating Kingston seemed nothing short of healthy.
But what they described as "one terrible act that no one saw coming" resulted in three lives lost on a January day in 2016.
Dana Cohan, Allison McKenna and Lea Sobieraski were teammates, friends and co-captains of the Geneseo women's basketball team with Annese. Cohan and McKenna were her housemates. Neither was home the night she was murdered.
"When you think of an unhealthy relationship, you think of situations where if the two aren't always together, then one person gets mad, but they weren't like that," said Cohan. "Kelsey was always doing her own thing. They'd do homework or make dinner, but if you didn't know her you might not even realize that she had a boyfriend."
Like Annese, Cohan grew up in Rochester. She said that the two didn't become friends until their time at Geneseo, where they both played basketball and attended school, but that she had known who Annese was from their youth sports careers.
"I would always hate playing against her because she had the longest arms," Cohan said with a laugh.
While Sobieraski and McKenna said that they didn't know much about Kingston, Cohan said that she spent the summer between her sophomore and junior years of college hanging out with Annese, Kingston and a third friend from Rochester.
"We would go see movies or concerts," she said. "I honestly never thought a bad thing about him and that just made the whole thing that much more confusing."
McKenna said that while she didn't really know Kingston, she would always see him in the stands at basketball games.
"I always thought that it was really nice of him to be there," she said. "I never saw them fight."
But with graduation around the corner, friends said Annese began pondering life without Kingston, and made the decision to end the relationship in early January.
"I was actually in my room when they broke up. Our rooms were right next to each other. I came downstairs, and she was crying and she told me that she just broke up with Colin in her room. I didn't even hear anything, there wasn't any yelling, but she did say that he was pretty upset," said McKenna. "She drove him home and then came back. I think she was just at a different point in her life where that wasn't what she wanted anymore. She had mentioned wanting to go away to New York City to teach. She didn't want him to have to follow her."
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In the early morning hours of Jan. 17, McKenna was asleep in a hotel with her parents who had come in for the weekend from Long Island, Cohan was in bed at her home in Rochester, and Sobieraski had just woken up to her phone vibrating, which she answered from her room in Buffalo. That's when she got the news.
"No one in the house heard a thing, so we have no idea how things played out,” said Sobieraski, referring to other housemates who were there at the time of the murders. “But I'm very thankful and grateful that nobody in the house was the one to open (Annese’s) door."
Shock. Anger. Confusion. Heartbreak.
Those are the words used to describe that morning, and the days, weeks, months and soon-to-be years that have followed.
While the exact details of that night and why Kingston chose to do what he did, remain unknown, one thing that's been made evident is that the reach of dating violence extends far beyond what one might assume as the traditional definition.
"Nothing that I ever saw would have made me think that something like this would ever happen," said McKenna.
Although the signs of turmoil were few and may have only been present in the week leading up to the homicide, in hindsight, McKenna said that threats made by Kingston after the breakup were the only cause for concern.
"It was really just after the breakup. She had mentioned one day that Colin was having a really hard time and was saying stuff like he was going to commit suicide, so that was really worrisome and Kelsey texted Colin's dad saying that she was worried about him, but she never said anything about Colin threatening her," she said.
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"We tried to find reasons to see why Colin might have done it. I think the thing that it comes back to is the thought of 'if I can’t have her no one can.' I don’t know if he planned that. There’s a bunch of theories about why he went to the house that night. Was he going there to threaten Kelsey or to threaten himself? Did a fuse just go off? You don't know what state of mind he was in," McKenna said.
McKenna, Cohan and Sobieraski all said that prior to the tragedy, they had only limited conversations about dating violence throughout their schooling, if any at all.
"I honestly can’t tell you a time we spoke about dating violence before this happened. We might have just talked about it in high school, but you see it in the news," she said. "I don’t think you really take a second look at it unless it directly impacts you, which is sad because it’s hard to get people to listen and understand unless it’s something that they've already been affected by."
Cohan added, "It doesn’t seem like something that actually happens in the world, but it did. It’s really scary."
Much like the friends of Annese, those closest to Alyssa Taft said that her relationship with Knight-Hollis lacked known signs of abuse.
Knight-Hollis, who was no longer in a relationship with Taft at the time of her death, allegedly stabbed her in his mobile home after she rejected his attempts to rekindle their relationship. Knight-Hollis is currently held without bail in Wayne County jail, and awaiting his trial date.
Sarah Taft, Alyssa's mother, said that she knew Knight-Hollis to be a polite boy who held the door for her daughter, and that the news of her daughter's murder came as a complete shock to her and her family.
"They were not dating, they were not married, they were not living together and they were broken up at the time. There was no sign of anything," she said. "This was his first act of violence towards her.
"If he would have put his hands on my daughter before, I would have taken care of that."
More: Sarah Taft encourages students to 'keep it nice'
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The danger of the situation can be dependent on the type of abuser.
According to Will Averill, a community engagement specialist who works with dating violence survivors, there are separate classifications of abusers: entitlement and survival abusers.
Entitlement abusers are people who like to maintain a good face in the community that they're operating in, so once there's a hint of light shed on the abuse, they are unlikely to continue their pursuit.
Survival abusers, according to Averill, are the most deadly. They operate with an "if I can't have you, nobody can" mentality. Cases with survival abusers are more likely to result in murder-suicides.
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