The Depth vs The Genuineness of Love

“He replied with a smile…to learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved…to learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally differently…”

The group session began as it always did with a simple icebreaker question we all had to answer: What is it you know now that you wish you knew then...? As the group answered the question one by one the usual (and important) reflections on courage and self belief emerged. Then unexpectedly someone said:

' I now know (and wish I knew then) that shallow love is no less genuine than deep love and the secret to sustainable relationships is aligning your effort with their input in order to close the gap.'

What the...? Suddenly the room stopped - the silence hung in the air - it seemed as though no one wanted to move on from that comment - everyone just sat there waiting for more to be shared....

'You see earlier in my life I was good at starting relationships - romantic, personal and work and enjoyed many shared positive experiences along the journey. But in the middle of the relationship, more times than not, I would find myself feeling frustrated and after my gradually increasing levels of energy and commitment were not matched....

My efforts to seek feedback to adjust were in vain as usually the same level of commitment was restated by the other person. Feeling confused I would then try harder along with a correspondingly increasing feeling of frustration which led to others withdrawing. I coped with this rejection by telling myself their commitment was not really genuine after all and it was best that I moved on too...

The cycle repeated for too long because I failed to understand the simple but profound truth that when two people say to each other 'I Love You', whilst they may genuinely mean it, the depth of commitment the sits underneath this statement is never quite the same...

Looking back now, sometimes my level of commitment was shallower than the other person - other times my level of commitment was much deeper. Once I learned to accept this inevitable difference as a 'fact' I was able to consciously put much more energy into better communication and understanding at the start of the relationship. With a much clearer understanding of the differences in depth of commitment I was much more able to adapt and align my effort with their input to close the gap. And since learning this simple and powerful truth I have gone on to have much more enjoyable and sustainable relationships in all areas of my life...'

As you may have guessed, the speaker above is me and this would be one of the most important life lessons I have ever learned (and had to re-learn). It is also a success factor I have shared countless times over the years working as a psychologist with people trying to manage relationship conflicts and breakdowns.

"People change and forget to tell each other." Lillian Hellman

In many cases the source of their deeper distress could be best understood by recognising, in hindsight, how the differences between the stated words and subsequent actions of the other person were on occasions quite different - not necessarily because the words were not genuine - but rather because of the unspoken differences that sat in depths beneath their well intentioned mutual statements of commitment.

"Suffering is due to attachments and expectations, to grasping and clinging." Buddha

From a Zen perspective their relationship distress would be best described as 'grasping' caused by the mis-match between between their expectations and the behaviour of others. The cure for such distress is to 'live in the present' and objectively assess and accept their new circumstances and adjust accordingly.

" The way to end suffering due to clinging and grasping is by living in the present." Buddha

If only I knew then what I know now...that by recognising and accepting the good intentions and genuineness in people, whilst wisely understanding that no two people are ever fully aligned, a healthy vigilance is created to inquire and adjust along the journey of sustainable (and enjoyable) relationships!

Counterpoint - Unfortunately there are situations, however infrequent, where people will knowingly and intentionally lie about the depth and intensity of their feelings towards another person. This can be determined by ongoing significant inconsistency between their words and behaviour, but only after you first re-align your behaviour towards the zone of sustainability. When this happens remove yourself from situation as soon as possible - as the old saying goes 'if you find yourself digging a hole the first thing to do is stop digging'....

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