The Big Question: Can I stop my son running off with his pushy girlfriend?
Dear Reader,
I was always close to my youngest son, but last Christmas he announced he was quitting university after one term and we had a bit of a falling out.
This was a massive shock, as it took a lot of effort to get there and he was so happy, texting me to say so.
Yet for a few years he’d worshipped (from afar) this girl from school, but she had a boyfriend. She went off to a different uni, but by November 2016 she’d decided to quit. So he did, too. He said he’d been unhappy and thought about suicide, but I didn’t believe him.
He then started living with her at her parents’ (calling it ‘home’) and they haven’t been apart since. Mother’s Day was ruined because she kept phoning during our meal, so he said he had a panic attack and left!
All summer they worked and saved to go travelling in Europe. Before they left, he was to have tea with his brother and me on the Wednesday, then we would take her out for dinner the next night.
He said he wanted to bring her to tea, too; I suggested it would be nice for us three to have a bit of time together (I split up from his father 11 years ago and brought them up single-handed). He didn’t like this. My eldest protested that she isn’t part of the family — just like his own girlfriend, and his gran, his aunt etc. It wasn’t a slight on her, because I was taking them out next day!
But the girlfriend took umbrage and cancelled our meal. I have tried to be friendly and I bought her a lovely birthday present — a basket filled with things for their travelling — but she didn’t even text me ‘thank you’.
Her parents are meeting them from the airport etc — and my elder son is angry because his brother makes no time for us at all. They have quite a tense relationship. I feel really rejected and texted him to say so.
I need him to know he is being hurtful to me. The girl seems to have a hold over him so that he is incapable of saying no to her. This behaviour is very unlike him, he is normally a very thoughtful boy.
Shall I not contact him and let him come back to me?
I am very worried that he may think I don’t care. Or shall I put up and shut up, even though I don’t agree with what he is doing and as a mother I still need to steer him on the correct path?
SANDRA
Oh, you have no idea how sympathetic I feel. Many years ago, when my son (then 23) called off his wedding, then went to live with a different lady, I didn’t see him for six months.
We had always been very close, indeed. It all seems like a bad dream to me now — and from that standpoint I do want to counsel you to be very, very careful. I can’t emphasise it enough, because your letter makes me worried, especially your last thought.
I can understand how disappointed you are that your son gave up his university course, but perhaps it wasn’t the right thing for him to do.
Yes, I was there, too — but my response was to tell my son that I didn’t require him to have a degree and we must work out something else he could do. That took the heat off right away.
Believe me, I absolutely see why you — after a terrible experience in your marriage (mentioned in your longer letter) — clung to your boys and a brave determination to give them a good life.
Of course you want the best for them both. Nevertheless, there comes a point (I’m afraid) when no mother on earth can ‘steer’ a son or daughter ‘on the right path’. Not if that person thinks it’s time to drive themselves.
As parents, we have to accept that. I know how hard it is, but this is the only way to avoid terrible, terminal conflict.
In your position, I would be mad and worried as hell that this girlfriend seems to be a bad influence on your son, and I’d also wish her parents had perhaps been more sensible.
But I’d do some deep breathing and tell myself that I must play it carefully to avoid losing him for ever. I would contact him cheerfully, saying you hope to see them both soon.
I wouldn’t bang on about how he’s hurting and neglecting you (martyrs can be a pain, you know) and I’d warn his big brother off nagging, too. None of it will do any good — not when he is in the throes of his first great love.
You must be patient and think long-term. The best you can hope for is that this relationship fizzles out in time and that he is strong enough to accept that — and pick up his own life again.
He will always need you (especially as he doesn’t sound a very strong character) so for now to ‘put up and shut up’ will be the most helpful strategy.
Apart from perhaps asking what he suggests you could give her parents, as a Christmas gift for the household.
Dear Bel,
My problem seems trivial, but it’s worrying me.
Last October, my sister lost her partner of over 30 years. My husband and I have tried to give her support. She was at our house almost every weekend and spent last Christmas with us — not a great house guest — hardly speaking and not joining in. We encouraged her to try new things and also carry on her volunteering work.
Things are a little better, but she still looks to us for social life. When her partner was alive, her life revolved around him and she dropped friends.
We invited them to stay with us for Christmas six years running, but they never came. My problem is that my wonderful second husband has three lovely sons and six grandchildren — all very close — who have welcomed me into their lives.
They’ve invited us for a big family Christmas, but have not included my sister. We have also a large group of friends and one has asked us to their house at Christmas.
Gently, I’ve tried to ask my sister if she has any plans for the Christmas period. She said: ‘I suppose I’ll come to you.’ When I mentioned we may be away, I got a stroppy reply: ‘Don’t worry about me, do what you want.’
I care about my sister a lot — but also think my husband should be able to stay with his son in Scotland and see his family.
I won’t enjoy Christmas if my sister is sitting on her own over the festive period.I feel stuck in the middle and don’t know what to do. Any advice?
ANNA
The holiday season may mean family problems for some. One reader doesn't want her sister to be alone during the festive period
There’s nothing ‘trivial’ about your poor sister’s ongoing grief and isolation, nor your dilemma. Regular readers may remember last week’s And Finally — how sustaining active relationships can help to keep loneliness at bay. Your email underlines my point; describing a woman who didn’t bother with friends or family, but lavished all love and attention on her partner.
Like a machine, the heart can become ‘rusty’ with lack of use. Now, without him your sister feels she is nothing — and this has made her less than brilliant company. It’s a painful truth, but not your fault.
It’s hardly surprising your sister was poor company last Christmas, since she’d lost her partner just two months earlier. Since then you say she’s a ‘little better’ — nevertheless the one-year anniversary last month must have opened the wound of her grief.
Do you really understand that — and I mean really understand?
I ask in that way, because I’d like you to interpret her morose reply to your Christmas question as not so much ‘stroppy’ as sad.
Sometimes we look for a negative connotation in somebody’s words, in order that we may allow ourselves to feel cross or frustrated with them.
I’m not suggesting you feel cross with your sister, but suspect you’re a bit frustrated — as well as torn. You’re right your husband should be able to spend Christmas with some of his wonderful family, and I’m delighted you are so blessed with love and friendship.
Have you asked your husband what he thinks? It may be that he, being a kind man, will want to ask his lovely family whether your sister can be included.
Could you three stay at a hotel near the family in Scotland, joining the others for part of the day? That way you could have dinner on Christmas Eve, exchange gifts in the morning, then visit.
If this won’t work, then do you know someone else in your wide circle of friends who will be alone? You could book them Christmas dinner at a local hotel — as your treat. If these suggestions fail, you might have to face the fact that she will stay home.
Maybe one of your friends would stop by for an afternoon visit? Or is there a local soup run or charity meal she could volunteer at?
You cannot force your sister to reach out to others, but you can try. If she chooses to stay home, then a shortish trip to Scotland and a Christmas phone call to her on the day is all you can do. You could offer her a merry New Year with some of your friends.
www.lastdon.org
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