Just to share An extremely long email from my ex-girlfriend


Hey, I wanted to let you know I’m going on a date with your best friend from college tonight. A serious date. A date that will probably end in fantastic sex. Maybe even the best sex I’ve ever had. I’m really excited, for the first time in years. I’m getting control of my life back. Just wanted to share that with you. I’m so happy. Really happy. Tomorrow morning I might even do yoga at sunrise, like I used to do.

Anyway, just don’t think my date with Ryan’s about revenge. It’s not. Honestly, I was interested in Ryan for a long time, even back when you and I were a thing. There’s no reason to get upset, but if you’re jealous I guess I’d understand. Call me if you want to talk through your emotions.

So, I saw you updated your relationship status ten minutes ago. I’m happy for you. And you have a new profile picture. She’s cute, in her own way. I’m glad you finally used a couple’s photo for your profile, like I tried to get you to do for months. You’re growing so much as a person.

Ryan’s here. We’re eating at that new sushi place. Ryan’s so open to new experiences. It’s really refreshing. He might be the one.

So, we’re at the sushi place and Ryan stepped into the bathroom. Just thought I’d also mention I got a raise at work today. And a promotion. You’re looking at the new assistant sales manager at Verizon. It’s a really important position, a pathway to an impressive career. Funny, isn’t it? I just remembered that time we were joking about me applying for that promotion, and you said something about how new hires hardly ever get considered for management before six months. I mean, it’s just surprising. Don’t you think? I guess you’re capable of anything if you put your mind to it.

Oh, and you still have some of my books. I don’t need to list them here. Let’s be honest, they’re probably the only books in your apartment, right? LOL. You were never much of a reader.

That’s one thing I like so much about Ryan. He reads as much as I do. He’s got such an intellectually curious mind. We never run out of things to talk about. His conversation stimulates me.

Ryan isn’t intimidated by smart women, either. I know, it’s so rare. When you find that quality in a guy, you don’t let it go.

Anyway, he’s back at the table so LOL I guess I’ll finish this email later tonight. Or who knows…maybe not… ;) LOL!

Good morning, ex-boyfriend! Ryan just left after making me a delicious breakfast and serving it to me in bed. At first he didn’t want to leave, but when I explained to him that I was taking a half-day to finish writing this email, he totally understood. I’m writing this for me as much as you, for closure.

I’m not stalking you or anything, but I see you’ve been posting a lot of music that you used to hate. And you’re saying your new girlfriend is “exposing me to so many great new artists.” That’s technically not true. I’m the one who played Katy Perry for you on that one road trip, while you basically took a huge nap. That really hurt me.

I just don’t think Amber — if that’s her real name — should get credit for introducing you to powerful female vocalists. Maybe I could be wrong, but judging by Amber’s profile, she doesn’t strike me as much of a feminist. If you care anything about me at all, even as a friend, I know you’ll correct that status update and give me credit.

This email keeps getting longer because I keep thinking it’s done, and then some other great thing happens that I think I should include. Like today. Remember those poems I sent to The New Yorker four months ago? Well, they’ve been accepted. You were never really into poetry, but you’d heard of The New Yorker and took it upon yourself to “explain” to me how hard it was to get accepted. Well, I’ll send you a copy when they’re printed!

Oh, and I’m going to be an extra on The Walking Dead. That was something we both wanted to do. Another dream’s coming true for me, at least! Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to post plenty of pictures to my Facebook feed so you can see me in walker makeup, hanging out with the cast. It’s going to be so much fun.

Anyway, Ryan and I might have a threesome this weekend. You remember Tiffany, the social fabric of our group. Everyone loved her. Everyone wanted to be her. So beautiful and charming. You always had such a big crush on Tiffany. You never said it, but I could tell by the way you looked at her, even when we were holding hands. Well, she’s our third partner.

I’m really sorry you never got a chance to sleep with Tiffany. But don’t worry, I’ll enjoy her for the both of us. I feel like I owe you that much. You can thank me by returning my books finally.

Well, I guess I’d better hit “send” before my life gets any better without you.Truly, I hope you and Amber are happy together. If you ever just want to meet up for coffee sometime, let me know. I’ll run it past Ryan first, but he’s really cool and doesn’t mind when I hang out with other guys. He has absolutely no confidence issues whatsoever, because he’s perfect. Anyway, text me or call me or whatever. Bye for now!www.lastdon.org

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