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Questions that Will Improve Your Relationships


Have you ever had a moment of connection with a stranger? I’m not talking about a romantic or sexual connection (though those are nice too), but more of a quick smile as you pass on the street, or a one-off joke shared while waiting in the grocery-store line, or some other brief, shared experience that made you feel that stranger was actually special and could have, in other circumstances, been a friend? I love those moments, which are few and far between, because they make me feel like the universe of potential friends is bigger than I’d thought. I’ve always wondered why those moments happen—why they happen with one person and not another, or at one time and not another.I recently came across Katherine Schafler’s post How to Change Your Life in One Second Flat, in which she discusses her belief that we are always asking four questions of everyone in our midst—everyone we have relationships with, from casual acquaintances to our romantic partners. These questions, which she says come from Maya Angelou (though she doesn’t cite exactly where), are constant requests for acknowledgement and affirmation on a large and small scale.

The four questions are:

  1. Do you see me?
  2. Do you care that I’m here?
  3. Am I enough for you, or do you need me to be better in some way?
  4. Can I tell that I’m special to you by the way that you look at me?

Anyone who’s ever been in a romantic relationship with someone who’s slowly checking out will understand what she means by these questions: I have had relationships with people who, as the romance neared the end, didn’t seem to care whether I was even in the room or not, or cared if we together to a party or apart, or only spoke to me to say something critical. I’ve done the same to partners that I was slowly pulling away from.www.lastdon.org

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