Bold steps to making good decisions in times of stress

When we’ve made big mistakes in life — marriages that ended in divorce; careers that turned out to be unfulfilling or dull; partnerships, investments or businesses gone stale or awry — we respond with a certain degree of skepticism to whatever follows.

It’s hard to trust — not just others, but yourself as well. For me, the hardest part of my journey is forgiving myself and I’m not there yet. Not by a long shot. And, without forgiveness, I can’t fully regain self-efficacy and the courage to fail again.

After a big face plant, I often don’t have a clue what to do next. I’m confused, living in doubt and all too often, fear. I don’t trust myself or others. I don’t even trust the world, any conception of fate or construction of nature.

Inmoments like this, I find it’s more productive for me to make decisions from a place of values rather than in pursuit of specific goals. The potential for failure is reduced. I am reminded of who I am and what I hold dear. From there, my self-efficacy gains new feet.

Life marches on, no matter what you do or what has happened to you.

There are always decisions that need to be made. Options to consider, voices to be heard, choices to weigh. In the aftermath of crisis or trauma, simple things like what to eat or wear can bring me to my knees.

The more critical decisions — those that simply cannot wait until I feel my head is back on straight — often find their way to either avoidance or denial.

And, this is when things start to feel out of control. The consequences of which can be life-altering. Deadlines pass, critical acts go undone, people make decisions for you or the choice begins to slip away altogether.

If you’re like me and don’t take kindly to a life without your input, it’s important to find a way to be act, even when all you want to do is lay in bed and cry. When the waters are murky and I feel overwhelmed, I rely heavily on lists and formulas and pre-determined plans.

I make things simple. Get out of my own way. Focus on gratitude, people, peace. This helps me to move past stagnation, indecision and regret.

I try not to think too much, put one foot in front of the other and follow a simple three step rule:

Step 1: Strip it down

What needs to happen right now? Really? Truly? What can wait until tomorrow or be delegated to someone else?

If we examine our circumstances critically, we find that there are very few things that need to happen in a day. I’ve had times where I’ve had to focus on just this hour or even the minute passing by.

The best therapist I ever had told me to stop and look around me whenever I was in distress. Most of the time, he said, there is nothing wrong in the here and now.

Our basic needs are minimal but critical in our ability to thrive.

Take a shower. Make a list. Call someone. Ask for help. Kiss your kids. The big picture is rarely more than a mixture of projection and fantasy. And, right now: it’s simply going to weigh us down.

Step 2: Focus on values

In the frenzy of post-trauma, we can often feel swayed and pulled by emotional whims. For me, it’s been important to remember that I am not always going to feel a certain way.

Emotions are not ingrained truths; we should honor them and give them their due, but they do not define you…or me.

My values, on the other hand, have been vetted, cultivated, adapted and enacted. When I make decisions from that place, I cannot let myself down. Even if I fail.

This gives me a foundation, a safe and trusted placed, from which to act. It’s not always easy, especially in the days and weeks immediately after an unsettling experience, but I’ve found it to be the quickest way forward.

If I act in accordance to the values I have and hold for myself, I not only honor the person I strive to be but also become a little more each day.

Step 3: Limit the Noise

People want to help. They mean well, are full of great ideas and eagerly share their advice. Under normal circumstances, you might smile and nod, accepting with grace a stranger’s advice, but when your world has just been upended, the last thing you need is more information to process, assess and dispense.

I know, I know: This is contrary to how our modern culture believes we should behave in grief, but for me, it’s truth. When my brain feels like mush and it’s hard for me to even tie my shoe, I can’t handle all the input. Call it isolating or stubborn or whatever you will: I’ve found limiting the noise to be a very simple way to get back to what matters. And, that’s me.

The person I am most concerned about disappointing is me.

For that reason, and many others, I find that limiting the noise around you can be both clarifying and comforting in moments of great distress.

The last thing anyone needs — especially someone who might be questioning some long-held belief about safety, security, justice or love — is a smorgasbord of shoulds to sift through while picking up the pieces of coulds or woulds.www.lastdon.org

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