This Powerful Tool Will Make Your Relationships Better

Frustrated couple lying back to back in bed

Validation is when you accept your or another person's thoughts, feelings and experiences as normal and understandable. 

You might be someone who's very emotionally attuned. You're able to identify your feelings and express them to others, and you've been described as empathic.

That is, until you feel wronged or misunderstood. All of a sudden, it's not so easy to communicate.

You feel the heat rushing through your veins. Anger sets in. You say things you don't mean. You feel worse. You know that you can, and must, do better.

Fortunately, the tools you need aren't hard to learn. They may be difficult to apply in the moment, though, so be ready for lots of practice. Over time, with consistent effort and a willingness to implement changes, you will change how your brain is wired and create new habits.

Validation Is Key to Healthy Relationships

It sounds simple at first. People want to feel heard and understood, and they want to be taken seriously.

Validation is when you accept your or another person's thoughts, feelings and experiences as normal and understandable. It requires that you understand the person's experience, and that you communicate this understanding.

Let Go of Having to Be Right

It's more important to be effective than to be right, but this is where you might get stuck. Your mind may be racing with all the reasons why you're right and the other person is wrong. When that happens, though, you may give invalidating responses. Choose to focus on validation. Be empathic – put yourself in the other person's shoes – and look for any kernels of truth in their experience. There's always something to validate.

It Starts With Validating Your Own Experience

Self-validation is an important skill for your own emotion regulation. It involves accepting your own emotions, thoughts, desires and experiences as true and understandable. It means letting go of blame and judgment, and focusing on compassion and self-care.

Here's What You Need to Know

Dialectical behavior therapy, developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, breaks down validation into six levels. Think of these as your six key skills for better relationships:

1. Be present and give your full attention.

This means completely participating in the conversation, using your whole self. Don't multitask, daydream or interrupt – just be there.

2. Reflect back what you hear.

Offer a summary of what you heard. You don't have to interpret or expand on what the other person is saying. Just carefully and clearly repeat it back. "I hear you saying…"

3. Read between the lines, and voice what isn't being said directly.

Think of this as reading minds. This is where you reflect back not just what you heard, but also what you didn't hear that may be part of what the person is trying to express. Ask if you're getting it right. Be curious.

4. Understand and acknowledge how past experiences affect how the other person feels now.

We don't just react to events based on what's happening now; we experience new events through the lens of what we've been through before. Maybe it makes sense for the person to be particularly sensitive or attuned to certain events, based on past experience. Notice that, and point it out. Place what is happening right now in a context of what has happened before.

5. Find what's normal and makes sense – how anyone in the situation would feel that way.

While validating based on the past can be helpful, it's important to also highlight how another person's experience makes sense not only in the context of what's happened before, but also based on what is happening right now. Is it possible that anyone would respond this way? Look for how "of course" the response makes sense, and point it out.

6. Be radically genuine.

Go above and beyond active listening, and make yourself a part of the conversation. Your whole, present, vulnerable self. This is where you find the opportunity to say "me too." Practice radical acceptance, even if what you're hearing or experiencing is not what you had wanted.

Remember, it will take time for these new habits to stick. Focus on one or two small changes at first, and then see where these skills can take you. Over time, you can move from anger to acceptance and experience less negativity in your life.www.lastdon.org

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