Characteristics of Resilient Relationships

How to bolster your most intimate connections.

Did you ever wonder why some relationships endure even in the most stressful of times, while others are destroyed? Are there certain factors that seem to characterize strong, enduring, and resilient relationships? There are no easy answers to why some relationships endure and others don’t. However, we do believe that there are factors which seem to foster resiliency in relationships and thereby increase the likelihood of survival when confronted with adversity. Let’s take a look at those characteristics of resilient relationships.
WHY RELATIONSHIPS END

Source: Pixabay

There are hundreds of volumes written about why marriages and other intimate relationships end, but the core reasons may be distilled down to three main factors: 1) a slow erosion of the relationship, 2) a traumatic, or otherwise powerful, incident that destroys the relationship, or 3) competition. First, the relationship that slowly erodes is typified by the retrospective description, “We just grew apart.” Or, “We no longer met one another’s needs.” The traumatic incident, on the other hand, could be myriad of things such as death or injury to a child, an affair or other form of interpersonal betrayal, economic hardship, personal illness, a religious or existential shift, and any other life changing event, even a disaster. Lastly, competition in a relationship refers to some person, or perhaps some thing such as a professional opportunity, that is competition for time, caring, and/ or love and thus is inherently divisive for the relationship.
As challenging and even toxic as these three factors may be, the outcome is no fait accompli. As people can be resilient in the wake of adversity, so too can relationships be resilient.
SEVEN CHARACTERISTICS OF HIGHLY RESILIENT PEOPLE

Source: pixabay

In 2012, Dr. Dennis McCormack, one of the first U.S. Navy SEALs and who later became a psychologist, Dr. Douglas Strouse, an expert in organizational development, and I created a list of characteristics that we believed were common denominators for highly resilient people (Everly, McCormack, & Strouse, 2012). The list was based upon over 100 years of our collective observations of people under extreme stress, as well as reviews of relevant research. We found those common denominators to be:

1. Active Optimism: More than the hope and belief that things will turn out well, active optimism is a virtual mandate to act to make things turn out well. It is the self-confidence that one can and will make a difference. It is the propensity to harness the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy.
2. Honesty, Integrity, Accepting Responsibility for One’s Actions, and the Willingness to Forgive: The belief and practice that honesty and loyalty is the best policy; accepting responsibility for one’s actions regardless of the outcome and consequences, and the willingness to forgive others as well as oneself.
3. Decisiveness: Decisiveness refers to the courage to take decisive action, even when the decisions maybe unpopular or highly risky.
4. Tenacity: Tenacity refers to uncommon perseverance, especially in the face setbacks, discouragement, and/or outright failure.
5. Self-control: Self-control refers to the ability to control impulses, to delay gratification, and to engage in health-promoting activities.
6. Interpersonal Connectedness:  Interpersonal connectedness refers to the active establishment and  maintenance of interpersonal networks and support systems. They can be familial, vocational, avocational, and/or social.
7. Présence d’esprit: This is a unique calm, innovative, non-dogmatic thinking style  that is open to novel solutions, rather than an attitude that rejects novel solutions out of hand. Out of the box thinking is the hallmark of this characteristic.

article continues after advertisement

We later distilled these factors in our book Stronger:Develop the resilience you need to succeed (Everly, Strouse, & McCormack, 2015).
SEVEN CHARACTERISTICS OF HIGHLY RESILIENT RELATIONSHIPS
       Just as we believe there are seven characteristics or common denominators for highly resilient people, we believe there are parallel characteristics or common denominators for highly resilient relationships.

Source: Pixabay

1. Active Optimism: Active optimism in a relationship equates to a virtual mandate to make things turn out well. It is the self-confidence the co-habitants of the relationship have that they can and will make a difference working together. It is the relational propensity to harness the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy. It is the tendency to avoid cynical, critical, or hurtful comments directed toward oneself or one’s partner.
2. Honesty, Integrity, Accepting Responsibility for One’s Actions, and the Willingness to Forgive: The belief and practice that honesty and loyalty is the best policy; accepting responsibility for one’s actions regardless of the outcome and consequences, and the willingness, within reason, to forgive the other for transgressions,  as well as the willingness to forgive oneself for perceived weakness.
3. Decisiveness: Decisiveness refers to the courage to take decisive action, even when the decisions may be unpopular, risky, and anxiety-provoking. Sadly, sometimes it means being courageous enough to leave a toxic relationship and promote one’s personal resilience.
4. Tenacity: Tenacity refers to uncommon perseverance, especially in the face setbacks, discouragement, and/or outright failure. It also means knowing when not to be tenacious and when to advance in another direction.
5. Self-control: Self-control refers to the ability to control impulses, to delay gratification, to avoid practices that are self-defeating to the relationship, and to engage in health-promoting activities. The ability to resist temptation is a powerful ally in battle to sustain relationships, especially in the face or wake of adversity.
6. Interpersonal Connectedness through Honest Communication:  Interpersonal connectedness is best maintained with one’s partner through open honest communications. Generally speaking, the conversations you don’t want to have are the conversations you need to have.
7. Présence d’esprit: This is a unique collective calm within the relationship that leads to a non-judgmental, innovative, non-dogmatic thinking style  that is open to novel solutions, rather than an attitude that rejects novel solutions out of hand and seeks to project blame. Collaborative out of the box thinking, communications, and action are the hallmarks of this characteristic.

article continues after advertisement

Source: Pixabay

The characteristics of highly resilient relationships enumerated above have come from years of observing the effects of stress and even “disasters” upon, not just individuals, but intimate partnerships. We know that loneliness predicts unhappiness and ill-health. The antidote is a meaningful and supportive relationship. Successful relationships do not come easily, however. They require dynamic cooperation throughout the trajectory of the lifespan. These seven characteristics are not the only factors that predict resilience, but they increase the likelihood of a relationship rebounding after “disasters” large and small.