Relationship changes through life
It matters not that time has shed, his thawless snow upon your head, for he maintains with wondrous art, Perpetual summer in your heart — Unknown
Tomorrow is my dad’s eightieth birthday and as we approach it, I find myself somewhat nostalgic and pensive about the way relationships change throughout our lives. I am fortunate to have wonderfully loving, healthy parents. A parent-child relationship will change over time, when the child is first born they are totally dependent on the parents. As the child reaches school age the parent-child relationship will change a little but will still be as important as ever. At this age, the child sees their parents as role models and wants to be just like them. As a child, I idealized my father, waiting patiently each day until his much-celebrated return from work.
As the child becomes a teenager they desire nearly total independence, they want to be treated like adults. The relationship between parent and child will change dramatically, as the child starts to go out and socialize with friends, looking for a job and learning to drive.
A few weeks after my sixteenth birthday, I was in a single car accident on a gravel road. When I reached my house, my father met me at the door. When I told him what happened his response was “It’s okay, I had a wreck once, too. He made sure we were all safe and unhurt, then proceeded to have the car brought home. It is important that fathers accept their children unconditionally, especially in adolescence approval needs to be given freely. Children need to know that they will be loved even if they make a mistake.
When adolescence is over, then young adulthood begins. The focus becomes more career oriented and there is the desire to find a committed partner with whom to share the journey of adulthood. One of the most powerful influences a father can have on his children is his relationship with their mother. If it is one of respect and compassion, it sets the tone for expectations in future relationships.
My parents are about to celebrate 57 years of marriage, and their relationship is the basis for what I want in my own marriage. My father taught me how to be loved and respected in my relationships by how he has always treated my mother. No matter how grown up, how much older they become, adult children forever remain your children just as you forever remain their parent. And the relationship is always challenging because parenting demands constant change and accommodation.
When our children are young, our task is to teach them what we think is important. When they become adults, however, to a significant degree our roles reverse. The task as parents is to fit more into and understand what they believe is important in their lives and to respect their agenda for what needs to happen in their lives.
The last reversal of the adult child/parent relationship plays out during the parents’ older age when responsibility is dramatically shifted, when dependency is reversed. At the beginning of childhood, the old take care of the young; but at the end of parental lives, the young care-take and take charge of their old.
My father has been an ever-present support in my life. One of his basic principles is the belief that there is a difference between quality time and quantity of time, and the quality of time spent together is the most important. I have many fond memories of time with my father, working on his car, going to the drag races, and watching Sunday afternoon football. He has been a major support through high school, college, graduate school and my life as an adult. And I hope that as time marches on for us I can be the loving support for him that he has always been for me.
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