We need to build real relationships

I enjoy reading material that challenges me to be a better person, and no one does that better than David Brooks whose column appears in this publication.

Like C.S. Lewis, I find Brooks' writing so deep I often read a paragraph, or an entire column, several times to fully grasp his idea. Such was the case last April when he wrote about building “thick” relationships, titled "How to Leave a Mark on People."

Brooks wrote about a friend who had died and with whom he had worked at a summer camp three decades earlier. His friend's death was difficult to accept because they had built a thick relationship. At the funeral he realized that his friend had done the same with many others. His realization was that his friend's presence had left a mark on the people he knew.

Thick relationships (with people and institutions) according to Brooks, become part of a person’s identity by engaging the whole person: head, hands, heart and soul.

My wife and I have close friends whose friendship developed around a spin class and cycling. We have taken several cycling vacations together and while cycling was the spark that ignited the friendship, we found many other common connections that have sustained and deepened the friendship.

We have other long-established friendships that were begun in college where we shared many experiences  —some painful and others joyful. And that is really the central point of his column, that the best friendships or relationships are thick in layers and connections.

The commonality here is that whether we are talking about strong families, friendships, churches, clubs or communities, the key is thickness.

Fast forward to Brooks’ most recent column titled "Social wealth weakens connections" in which he recites study after study that reveals:

• The number of Americans who say they are lonely has doubled in 40 years.

• Suicide rates are at a 30-year high.

• Depression rates are up 10 times since 1960.

Brooks said the most astounding thing that came out of Mark Zuckerberg’s appearance before Congress last week was that they focused on privacy when the more serious problem is that “social media companies are feeding this epidemic of loneliness and social isolation.”

Forming deep, broad bonds of connection is imperative for the thickening of relationships to occur. Far too many folks, perhaps because they were hurt when a thick connection was broken, find it is easier or safer to maintain superficial connections afforded by social media.

There is little that thickens a relationship more quickly than having honest conversations, sharing painful events, breaking bread, praying with and for someone, or collaborating on a common problem.

My wife and I certainly value our new Bismarck-Mandan friends who have included us in their circle of friends. It’s easy to be the recipient of this kindness but Brooks’ column reminded me this week that it is also our responsibility to extend the same kindness to others.

Opportunities are all around us but they are difficult to spot when we spend so much time in “virtual” friendships.

Step out of your comfort zone and routine this week and make a real connection. It will make a real difference.