Why Being out of Control Is the Best Way to Do Relationships

Could this explain past breakups?

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I had an epiphany about the following words today: you are out of control.

To be out of control is dangerous to a society based on order and predictable behavior. And it’s also dangerous within relationships, where one or both partners are expected to conform to certain expectations.As commonly understood, it is used to communicate that the way you are acting is not okay; it’s too aggressive, too wild, too selfish, etc. But a deeper understanding would be that you’re not in my control—and I don’t like it.

An abusive relationship is marked by one partner trying to control the other partner. I would argue that some form of control—and therefore abuse—exists in most relationships, which is why the concept of unconditional love is extremely difficult to achieve.

Giving love shouldn’t be predicated on someone else acting in a certain way. You either love someone the way they are or you take that love elsewhere.

Control, however, can be extremely difficult to spot, even in one’s self. Especially when it’s being used in a subtle or manipulative manner. And just dare to point out to someone that they’re trying to control you! Be it a lover, husband/wife, sibling, or parent—you may be hit with a variation of the following in response: You’re too sensitive.

Permitting these seemingly innocuous words to stand uncontested in your relationships is far more pernicious than we might imagine.

Much of our lives is about becoming accustomed to certain behaviors, which then become the norm—the baseline. And once we buy into and accept the baseline of you’re too sensitive, you’re selfish, you’re out of control, it can be extremely difficult to reverse the tide of controlling behavior without severing, destroying, or (most difficult) transforming the relationship.

Of course, the latter takes a ton of work, most likely in the form of therapy. Because it will require a person to change their whole view of you, as well as how they relate to you. And most people can’t—or are just unwilling to—do that.

Once a baseline of control is set and you allow your partner/parent/sibling/friend to exercise control—allow, because it can’t happen without your permission—you are reinforcing the behavior. And the more intense the relationship, the more likely it is to only grow more insidious as time goes on. Like a weed, it will threaten to suffocate the life out of your relationship.

So, what can you do? This:

Be sensitive.

Be on guard for subtle forms of control.

Be bold.

Be out of control.

And if your partner doesn’t like it, don’t conform. Leave. This goes for everyone—not just women. Men are often controlled in their relationships, as well. And this goes for all relationships, not just the romantic ones.

Now, what if you are the one who is doing the controlling in your relationships? What can you do?

First off, way to go for being open to owning a new, albeit not a very attractive, aspect of yourself! This is truly the most difficult part!

Once you are open to sometimes being controlling or manipulative in your relationships—plural form because how you act in one arena of your life is most likely how you act in all of them—you can start to get to work!

Pay attention, especially with the people closest to you, when something they say or do displeases you. Notice if you immediately seek to change their way of being to conform to something more acceptable to you. It can be incredibly subtle, so you really need to pay close attention to yourself—your desires, your thoughts, and your words.

Note that the deeper work is to wonder why it displeases you so much. Because, after all, other people are just a mirror reflecting aspects of ourselves back to us. Our displeasure is really an opportunity to learn more about why we’re so damn rigid in that area!

And then go easy on yourself. We’ve all been heavily conditioned to control other human beings. This is not a you thing; it’s a culture thing that you’ve been raised with. So cut yourself some slack as an all-too-fallible human being! Slack—but not responsibility.

You may also reflect upon how it feels when other people try to control you. Not very good, right?! The truth is that nobody likes to be controlled (okay, the kink community excepted).

One thing that life has continually tried to teach me is that trying to change people doesn’t work very well. If we can’t love people as they are, perhaps we should just let them be and let others enter their lives who will love them for who they are—and as they are.

This journey may break up your current relationship. It might also explain past breakups—with friends, family, or romantic partners. And don’t worry. Everything up until now has been a lesson for all parties involved. We can only act with the awareness that we have in this moment.

So don’t spend too much time feeling guilty for the mistakes of your past, but do take responsibility for them when appropriate. And commit to new behaviors moving forward.

Just for the record, I’m right there with you.