The Invisible Barrier: How Relationships At Home Impact Gender Equality In Society

(Photo Illustration by Thomas Trutschel/Photothek via Getty Images)

With Valentine's Day behind us, I’m reminded of why I put two couples therapists on the stage at the global conference I convene to accelerate gender equality. Usually our session topics are focused around courageous leadership, diversity and inclusion, social impact, and financial empowerment. So what does a panel named “Navigating Complex Relationships at Home and in Society” have to do with gender equality?

I have believed for quite some time that gender equality cannot be realized in the workplace and in society if couples don’t invest more time in synergizing their roles and resolving conflict at home. I’m 42 years old and have been with my husband John for 10 years now—married for 5 years and 2 ½ years into our new roles as working entrepreneur parents of two. Based on my own personal experiences and from watching so many female and male friends negotiate their roles and desires for how they want to balance work vs. family—nourishing the relationship, especially after having children, is not only an internal issue but it’s an external one because we lack resources, education, and mentors to teach us how.


The reality is that for me and most couples I know, especially those who are both working parents, it’s hard not to put our relationship last. Whether it’s date nights or deeply important discussions, couples communication and nourishment can fall to the bottom of the list not because we’re irresponsible slackers but because the responsibilities of juggling everything it takes to run a family in addition to your own career (finances, house, children, health, cooking, cleaning, social life, etc.) are truly daunting as we get older. I’m a part of a tribe of trailblazing women who had their first child around 40 during a time when we’re at our professional peak and have never been so passionate about our work. So much so that our careers feel like our first babies on top of our human babies. Meanwhile, we’re entering a decade that is traditionally a man’s highest earning era, so it’s no wonder that women’s earning potential has historically peaked at age 39. If women decide to double down in their 40s and rise through the leadership ranks as today’s gender equality movement is encouraging them to, I know firsthand that they will also be challenged with aging parents (I lost my dad to cancer one year ago) and physical and emotional difficulties (breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, baby gear, and diaper changes are no joke).
In the madness of trying to manage it all, couples struggle to find the time to synergize their roles and wants, but they simply were never given the tools for how to do it. Plus, airing your relationship issues is taboo in society, much like discussing miscarriages and periods. Women and men feel shame about the subject in a social media-crazed world that perpetuates perfection. The stress we experience as couples at home becomes an invisible barrier to our career potential because it chips away at our sense of security. Whether it’s related to finances, division of responsibilities, or to values around child-rearing—lack of security, increased stress, and fatigue impact one’s self-esteem and worth. It is a fundamental fact that what we negotiate at home impacts our leadership potential at work, yet it’s an invisible barrier not being talked about, furthering the gender gap.
A woman I chatted with on a flight opened up to me about her relationship with her husband. Earlier on in their marriage she was very good at her job and started outearning her husband. This threatened his masculinity, which led to many arguments, and he became verbally and physically abusive. When they had their first child she was forced to drop out of work. Over this period, her self-esteem and career identity was shattered. At the time that I met her, she had just gotten a divorce and was getting back into the workforce, but I could see how this once overly capable and ambitious career woman had been made small through her journey.
Another couple I know, who are both high-powered corporate executives, have been equal financial providers from the very beginning of their relationship. But in addition to working in corporate America, the wife also manages their entire household: groceries, child care, pediatrician appointments, paying bills, and all of the childrens’ extracurricular activities. After countless attempts, the couple has never reconciled how to balance the responsibilities of their family equally. The unspoken agreement in their relationship allows for everything in the domestic sphere to fall on the woman. At work, she had the potential to rise to the C-Suite, yet I’ve watched her actively lean out because she worries she can’t take on any more.