What Is Gaslighting in Relationships?

You're probably familiar with the term gaslighting—but what is it exactly? Simply put, it's a manipulative tactic used to shift the power dynamic in a healthy relationship such that one person has complete control over the other. To gain insight into the psychology behind this toxic relationship dynamic, we asked psychotherapist Jeremy Bergen, MS, LCPC, to weigh in.

"At its heart, gaslighting is emotional abuse," explains Bergen. "It's a tactic one partner uses in an effort to exert power over, gain control over, and inflict emotional damage on the other." According to Bergen, "Gaslighting is such a malicious form of emotional abuse because it causes you to question your experiences, so it can be difficult to identify the warning signs."
Ahead, Bergen breaks down the psychology behind gaslighting in relationships, including how to identify the warning signs, how to understand the reasoning behind this venomous behavior, and how to navigate the next steps.
1 / 2
PHOTO: CHRISTIAN VIERIG/GETTY IMAGES

The Red Flags

They make you question your perception of reality.
The major warning sign of gaslighting is that "your partner challenges your perception of situations, of yourself, of your thoughts, of your feelings, of their behavior," explains Bergen. "One of the big warning signs is this persistent sense that what you saw, you didn't really see. And what you experienced, you didn't really experience. What you felt, you didn't really feel."
They persistently and blatantly lie to you.
According to Bergen, "Their lies are designed to be manipulative for control." If you think your partner may be gaslighting you, Bergen suggests asking yourself questions such as Does my partner consistently make me question my thoughts and experience of things? Do I catch them in lies?
They make you feel insecure by breaking you down.
In order to gain control and power, a gaslighter will harp on the gaslighted's insecurities. To help determine if your partner is breaking you down, Bergen suggests asking yourself, Is this person saying things that are designed to make me feel bad? Is the level of criticism pervasive in that sense of they're going at the same thing consistently?
They try to alienate you from people who care about you.
"They do this because they want to control the narrative," Bergen explains. "They want to separate these relationships, so they'll cause conflict."

The Reasoning

People seek power and control in relationships for a wide variety of reasons, so the rationalizations for gaslighting vary from case to case. However, there are a few patterns, Bergen shares.
They believe this is the only way to sustain the relationship.
"In some cases, gaslighting is a way to try to keep somebody who you want to be in a relationship with around in a very abusive way—there's this notion that this is the only way to sustain the relationship," says Bergen.
They feel better about themselves by having control over someone else.
"Sometimes, there's a genuine sense of, 'If I'm controlling other people, then I feel better about where I'm at,' and that search for power is something that expresses itself in the relationship," explains Bergen.
They just enjoy the power and control.
According to Bergen, there's "a decent amount of research that shows there are people who genuinely find pleasure in having control or over others."

The Next Step

First and foremost, "it's not advised to talk to your partner about feeling like you're being gaslit, because they're going to tell you that what you're seeing isn't what you're actually seeing," says Bergen. They want to maintain control in the power dynamic.
Instead, "create space internally, mentally, emotionally, and then externally by engaging with people outside the relationship," he adds. Make plans with friends or family members you haven't seen in a while, and engage in activities that you love to reconnect with yourself.
"The internal step, in terms of what to do if you feel like you're being gaslit, is to make the commitment to yourself that you do not have to question your thoughts, feelings, perceptions about anything," advises Bergen. "That is a choice that you make as an individual to reassess a situation that nobody is allowed to re-narrate anything for you."

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Many romantic relationships are actually doing fine under coronavirus lockdown, study finds

If you’ve been holding your breath, waiting for your relationship to crumble under coronavirus lockdown, well, take a breath. Maybe it won’t. A new poll suggests that Americans might not be headed for the coronavirus divorce spike that China has seen, and many Portland-area residents agree that their relationships are stronger than ever. A new national Monmouth University poll of people currently in a romantic relationship found the “vast majority” report that mostly their relationships have stayed the same as before the pandemic upended normal life. According to the findings, of Americans who are in romantic relationships, “59% say they are extremely satisfied with that relationship and 33% are very satisfied. Another 4% are somewhat satisfied and just 1% are either not too or not at all satisfied.” That “extremely satisfied” number is very close to previous national polls -- 57% in 2017 and 58% in 2014. The type of relationship also matters -- 64% of married partners ar...
Read more

The best advice for the three most common coronavirus relationship issues

Since the coronavirus pandemic started, many of us have spent an extra 40 hours per week at home with our partners. That’s 2,400 additional minutes in each other’s space. We’ve picked up 97 of our spouse’s empty seltzer cans and conjugated hundreds of French verbs for our children, since school is closed and we’re now school. But who’s counting? We are. And that counting — whether it’s the number of times you did the laundry or how many Zoom meetings were interrupted by a child in underpants asking for Goldfish — kindles the flame that can reduce a relationship to ashes. The national Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have advice about how we can defend our bodies, but what’s going to protect the health of our relationships? Soap and water won’t work: Divorce filings have spiked in China, and we’re now seeing similar reports in New York City. We’d be kidding ourselves to think that this isn’t going to spread across the nation, even as states begin to reopen. We need to...
Read more

‘It’s all about relationships and being that positive role model for the kids that need us the most’

MANCHESTER, NH  – Memorial High School Principal Arthur L. Adamakos said this past school year by far has been the most challenging in his 41-year-career with the Manchester School District. Adamakos this week reflected on his career with the Manchester School District now that his June 30th retirement is in sight. The COVID-19 pandemic upended the school year, resulting in remote learning since March and the cancellation of proms, award ceremonies and class trips.  And there is still no word on how the city’s four high schools will celebrate graduations. “My goal is to have a physical graduation, not a virtual one,” he said.  “That’s what I have been campaigning for.  Still, we’re going to have to practice social distancing.”  And administrators must figure out how to deliver diplomas.  “That could be interesting so there’s a lot to be discussed.  It’s in progress,” he said. It is important for the seniors but Adamakos is looking forward to it as well...
Read more