ways to be happier in a relationship

It's February, and with Valentine's Day, this is the time of year we celebrate the people we love, regardless of whether we're in a romantic relationship.

This month I have five tips for how to make your relationship better. Although these tips are specifically for romantic relationships, many of them apply to other relationships, as well. I hope you will find them helpful in finding and nurturing the relationships you want and deserve to have.

Get/Stay in the Relationship for the Right Reasons

I hear from so many clients who knew their partner wasn't right for them but got into or stayed in a relationship because they were lonely or because all their friends were getting married or for a host of other reasons that seemed legitimate. Many relationships are doomed from the start, and the longer you spend in the wrong relationship, the less time you have to find the right one.

You should stay in a relationship because you are happier with that person than without. Period. You cannot expect the relationship to fill whatever void you have or you are setting yourself up for failure. You also cannot expect the other person to change the core of who they are or try to change yourself into who you think they want you to be.

Have Realistic Expectations

Don't expect your partner to read your mind and automatically know how you feel.

"If you really cared you'd already know why I'm mad" is not reality. You also can't expect your partners to know exactly what you need and then feel resentful when they don't respond accordingly. You are separate individuals, and you are not always going to see things the same way. Try to appreciate them for who they are and ask for what you need.

It's much better to say, "Will you please put your dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink?" instead of stewing on it. Also, accept the reality that good, satisfying relationships take work and effort and compromise even when you don't feel like it.

Be a Better Listener

It is important to take time each day to really listen to your partner without any distractions. Remember that during this time your only goal is active listening and compassion. You don't need to solve the problem or give advice. Just let them know that you hear them, you understand and you empathize. And put your phone down. Just glancing at your phone during a conversation can send the message that what is happening on your phone is more important that what your partner is saying. Studies have related higher levels of "technoference" with greater relationship conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, depression and lower overall life satisfaction.

Spend Time Alone

We've all heard the saying, "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" The healthiest and most successful relationships are the ones where both people have their own identities and the freedom to pursue their own interests. You must understand that growing together requires simultaneously growing separately. Successful relationships are all about finding that balance. Spending time alone also gives you the opportunity to reflect on your feelings and process what has happened, so when you are with your partner again you have a clearer head and know exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it.

Be the Partner You Want to Have

This means being faithful and honest. It means always being willing to go the extra mile. It means putting in a little extra effort on your appearance and complimenting your partners. It means celebrating your partners successes as if they were your own and helping them get back up when they fall. This means always speaking kindly and respectfully to your partner, even when you are the angriest you've ever been. It means keeping your promises, flirting with them like you used to, and always making sure they know how much they mean to you.